Oof. I don’t know if I’m even ready to write about this. Have I dealt with this yet?
In January of this year, I was having pain in both my breasts, on the left side and near my right armpit. After losing both of my parents at young ages, I worry about everything. So, I called my gyno and made an appointment for a breast exam. He said he didn’t feel anything, no lumps or bumps. But, if getting a mammogram would “put my mind at ease, let’s do it.” He said that since I have fibrocystic breasts, we could make an appointment for a mammogram.
I scheduled a mammogram and an ultrasound. I had never done this before. While there are a lot of health issues that run in my family, breast cancer wasn’t one of them. I didn’t expect to get a mammogram until I was 40. Well, if it will put my mind at ease…
I went for the mammogram and my husband, Fazal, came with me, thank God. I went into it thinking there was no way I was going to have breast cancer. The mammogram wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I also don’t know if the girl did it right now that I’ve had multiple mammos.
During the ultrasound, Suzanne, the radiologist, said everything looked good as she explored my right side and that my lymph nodes were clear – whatever those were. As she was scanning, she slowed down on the left side and I knew something was up. Her whole body language changed. She said, “don’t worry, a lot of people have benign masses. I’m going to take some extra pictures and videos.” I instantly thought is there is something there?!
She called the doctor when she finished so I could speak with her (as I was crying and freaking out) and she said that she recommended I do a biopsy to test the mass and make sure it wasn’t cancerous. She said “97%” of the time, these are benign… Ok, good odds.
I was terrified to do the biopsy. The doctor called me in the morning and asked if I could come earlier because a transformer blew up the road and their electricity was partially out. Wait, were they kidding? My husband and I get to the office and there are no lights on in the lobby. Lol, you can’t make this shit up.
I asked the nurse if they were sure it was ok to proceed. Could you imagine a needle-vacuum (my own terminology) getting stuck in my breast when the electric goes out?! She said it was fine. Cool. My sister met us and she and Fazal tried to keep me calm saying I had nothing to worry about.
I went in the changing room and the light was going in and out. Again, maybe we should just reschedule.
Then I entered the operating room, they let Fazal stay with me because I was shaking in terror.
Now, the freaking light above me was going in and out. If a biopsy isn’t scary enough… The nurse, Stephanie, said you have someone watching over you – there’s a good ghost in here. Thanks Stephanie.
Mom? Is that you? I’ve been asking you for a sign for over 5 years and you give me one now??
I “tolerated” the biopsy, ie needle vacuum, “well,” they said. This was on February 2, 2022. 2/2/22 that should be good luck, right? Aren’t 2’s a “good” or “lucky” number?
Fazal and I were planning to hop on a plane to Miami 2 days later – a trip I had been looking forward to for a LONG time.We asked and the doctor who did my biopsy said go. “We’ll have these results to you in about 5 days,” he said.
Two days later, around 3pm, the doctor calls me and, in a positive voice, asks if I received my results yet. I said no, now feeling like ok, this is good. He says, “unfortunately they found breast cancer.”
I froze. What? No, that was the wrong sample.
No, this can’t be.
What the actual fuck?
I’m only 33. This can’t be right.
My body was trembling and Fazal took the phone. The doctor didn’t even say he was sorry or anything. WTF??
Fazal got off the phone, hugged me, and said he was so sorry.
I don’t want to die, I thought.